It’s life update time, since I obviously have not done that in quite a while.
What I’m doing now: South Piedmont Community College, taking two classes on campus and two classes online. At the time I sat down and wrote the first three sentences of this post almost two months ago that was true, now it is not. I’m down to two classes on campus and one online. I’m also working, somewhat infrequently, as a nanny. My hours were fairly regular for the past two months which kept me quite busy in conjunction with the classes I was taking, now that my schedule has freed up considerably I ought to let you know what’s going on.
As I mentioned in previous posts, Disney has a paid internship program where you work and can take some classes (this is optional, but you do receive credit if you do). I was intrigued when I heard about the program and felt God was directing me towards it. I applied on September 5th, the day applications came out for the Spring 2012 semester, and was asked to complete the web-based interview the next day. I passed the web-based interview and was invited to schedule a phone interview for later that week. Everything was going incredibly smoothly and I couldn’t believe how easily it was going, it seemed God was making a way for me. I interviewed that Friday, the 9th, only four days after putting in my application. Before doing the interview I read up online to hear from people who had completed the program in the past what to expect during the interview. I was excited and nervous but felt confident that the interview would go well. After completing the interview I felt that I had expressed myself fairly well, there were a couple things I’m sure I could have said better but there was no point thinking about it or obsessing over it. At the end of the interview Carol (my interviewer) said I should hear back from Disney in one to two weeks. The next day I got an email from Disney thanking me for interviewing with them and telling me I would hear back in about three to four weeks.
Waiting is incredibly hard, as I’m sure most of you know. On September 20th I got an email from Disney letting me know that they were processing my application and I would hear back from them by December 19th. In essence, I had been wait-listed. It’s October 11th today, just a little over a month since interviewing. I would by lying if I told you this past month has been easy. I would also be lying if I told you that I’ve been easy to live with this past month. I’m not a patient person and it seems that I’ve found myself in a place of waiting fairly regularly the past few years. Last year around this time I was waiting to hear back from the UK Border Agency about my Visa.
It was a similar situation, really. I applied and was accepted very quickly afterward. It looked like God was paving a way for me to go to Capernwray. Then I hit a major snag; my Visa was rejected. That was a huge blow to me. I had been sure that was where God wanted me. I spent a lot of time praying and trying to figure out if this was God telling me I wasn’t supposed to go or if this was a complication thrown at me to throw doubt on the path I was taking. There were tears and one night as I was getting ready for bed I was praying, “God, I thought I knew where you wanted me! Just once I want to know where you want me to go! I just want to be able to go where I’m meant to be!”
What happened next is a tad hard to explain. I didn’t hear an audible voice, it was in my head but I’m sure it wasn’t from me. A little voice popped into my head and said, “What if I asked you to stay?” Without pausing to think I responded, “I would go anyway.” As soon as I thought it I wished I could stuff the thought back inside wherever it had come from. Here, I had just been saying I wanted to go wherever God wanted me to go as long as I knew it’s where He wanted me. Ouch. I looked up in the mirror to see the most guilty look on my face I think a human is capable of. Talk about humbling.
At that point it became pretty clear that while I had started out wanting to go to Capernwray because that’s where I believed God wanted me, there was always a part of me that really wanted to go for purely selfish reasons. I mean, come on, who doesn’t want to live in England for year in a giant manor house? Unfortunately, I snatched the dream out of God’s hands and made it mine. I became prideful of where God was taking me. God decided it was time to deal with the situation and put things back where they were meant to be.
So, I changed my prayer. “God, now I know that if you gave me the Visa right now I would go (I already have the ticket) whether or not I thought that’s where you really want me.” The next thing I said was one of the hardest things I’ve ever prayed in my life. “Jesus, if you want me to go you’ll work out the Visa situation somehow. If you don’t want me to go, you’re going to have to make sure the Visa is rejected because if I get it I’m going to go, regardless.”
I think that happened in July, right after re-applying for my Visa. I then waited until September 22nd to hear back from the UK Border Agency. My Visa was approved and they were going to send it to me overnight. I knew for sure where God wanted me. It was one of the best feelings in the world.
So what’s the point of the story I just told?
Through that time I learned that I am prone to taking God’s dreams and making them my own. This time I was aware of my tendency to take control and I did not want to take possession of this dream to work at Disney. I wanted to let God hold on to it, yet somehow I took possession of it again.
It all comes down to selfishness and pride. Seriously, look back through this blog and count the number of times you see “I” versus “God” or “Jesus”. This is a problem that I’m aware of and it’s a constant struggle. Jesus should always be the main focus and point of where things are going but it gets turned around to what I’m learning or what I think of a situation. Maybe Jesus is the one working in the situation, but even when I’m telling a story like this, who ends up getting the attention? What did I learn? What did God teach me?
Please excuse me if this is a bit long and rambling. This is really thinking done out loud, or written out, whatever. Being able to see my thoughts helps clarify what’s going on inside my head.
To wrap things up, God is doing something. Whether or not I understand what’s going on or like it is beside the point. I think what I’m trying to say is that there’s still a long way for me to go before I learn patience, surrender and humility. This is another step in the process even if the end result is not immediately clear. Please pray that whatever the result is when I do hear back from Disney that I will know it’s exactly what God has planned for me. He’s not surprised.